It started with hopelessness, a feeling that nothing mattered anymore. If someday we die and there is no "after", does yesterday, today, tomorrow matter? No matter how happy you will be in life, or how sad for that matter, there will come a time where all emotions and thoughts are gone. In this regard good and bad deeds have the same consequence.

Why do anything then? Why wake up to go to work, or diving in your spare time? As everything comes to an end, everything will be forgotten and the effect of if you went diving will be the same as of what you ate 2 years and 7 months ago. Insignificant.

Of course this isn't the whole reality. Doing fun activities is rewarding and makes yo happy in day-to-day life and makes you look forward to all the other days. Working will allow you to keep doing them.

What I conclude from this is that life has only meaning when you are alive and being satisfied with your life is temporary, but the highs of the moment will make you forget mortality and keep you living in the moment. Even if tomorrow won't exist, you can still have a great time today, and yesterday will make sure of that.

You either don't think about the meaning of life or you conclude that searching for it is suicide.

I think when you are comfortable to say: I went for a walk today, I bought a new t-shirt, I had a delicious ice cream, I saw a movie I was excited for, I had a great conversation with a friend, I had a great day at work, then you are truly living in the moment and not existing tomorrow is unimportant.

***

Somehow she is always mentioned. Also he knows alot about her. I wonder how close they are? Everytime her name is mentioned I die a little bit inside.

I can't figure out how we grew so far apart when one month ago she shared everything and anything

***

I thought those were intimate details but she shared them with my colleagues too. Did she share with me any details she wouldn't share with them? She was quite open with them, but also with me. What's the chance I got her to open a bit more?

Why was our relationship not special? She did so much recently and never mentioned it. Never shared an article, a picture of her plants or dogs, or how tired she is.

I wanted it to be something special, only between us. But in reality I was just another short term distraction. I feel so empty. It's better than how it was before but if she still doesn't want to get closer I will die of a broken heart.

***

She never told them about her fling, right? She told me she didn't back then but maybe she brought up the courage for it later.

Not very busy but changing.

One or two days without contact feels weird. Four or five days the sudden realization strikes like a punch in the gut. The realization that my absence doesn't tear her up inside, that she has no problem living the rest of her life without me is killing me inside.

I realize now that I wasn't unique, I wasn't the only person she needed validation from, but I was one of many saddens me. I thought the time we spend and the bonds we shared were special, but in the end I was really just delusional.

The feeling is not the same like the past weeks and months, where I was unstable and on the brink of a mental breakdown. Now it's just sadness and lack of direction, of a future.

Why wasn't I special, why couldn't there be more?

My colleagues also called her in a disgusting way attractive, which makes me more insecure. I will never accomplish as much as others will, is this something she cares about?

***

I was writing with her right now. A sudden realization: keep writing with her only makes me unhappy. I have different things on my mind. They will never work out. I need to realize it when the downspiral starts and stop it. Everytime I reach out I start the cycle anew.

I was never important. I need to be on fucking suicide watch.

***

The fundamental problem is this: she told me in the past she only sees me as a friend. I wish for a relationship with her. For some time things were going great and it looked like there could be more between us.

It's clear however that I wasn't something more, on the opposite, I wasn't even that close to her. My colleagues spend more time with her (going out, something we never got the change to do). They met her mom, went to her village. I never did any of that. I was so wrong about our relationship.

We had quite a few heart-to-heart talks, did she have them with others too? I feel insignificant and her indifference in sharing with me is proof of her feelings.

That's really very sweet of you to think that you're that important.

Hits like a truck.

What's not very obvious to me is that I'm doing this to myself. I'm trying to get the attention of someone who doesn't want to give it willingly.

Now, were I am so real and in reach, can I nurture dependence? I couldn't do it far away. Is it possible now? Can you change someone who has made up their mind?

I know she never thought of it before, that she decided on someone else some time ago. Why can't it be me? Why am I not enough? What am I missing?

I don't think I'm moving for her. It'll be nice to see her and maybe our friendship will grow closer, but first and foremost I want to get away from "home". I want to change, staying will only kill me. It's a new beginning for good habits. Shed all the bad ones.

Also, I want to show her I can take care of myself. Looking back I can understand why she felt that way, even if she has other reasons. It was silly, I would say, how I was, atleast from her perspective. I wonder if another person would have accepted me the way I was? That would have been incredible.

Maybe I will find someone like that this time, my future is in my own hands after all.

Dear Diary, I see no future with us. She is too inconsiderate. I said I would show my best version to her but I'm down again. I will never get from her what I want. I can try as much as I can, I will never be enough. I just don't enjoy life anymore and her way of helping isn't successful, but I dont blame her. My mindset is at fault and she tries (altough not hard) to be somewhat there for me.

If my plans don't work out I really should just quit fb and join insta, a new beginning with less distractions. Maybe I can reach out there from time to time and share what's on my mind.

I just don't feel it. I am jealous, moody, delusional, paranoid. There is nothing going on in my life. No new faces, no new opinions, interests or motivations.

Was it yesterday when I put down exactly what troubles me? (Not here of course) I thought this way I could get back on track, but nothing came from it. I just turn back to old habits. One of the best advices I got from a dear professor of mine was to not close myself off, however that's exactly what I did. He knew what would happen, so did I. This didn't stop me from making bad decisions. I know what I did was a mistake, but I cant find a way to make up for it.

Everything seems so uninteresting, unimportant. Days go by, precious days I will never get back, but recovery seems distant. We have come so far, we pulled through so many obstacles, me and you. But now it's only me, and not the version I was with you, but a feeble, weary me, filled with holes through which the air just passes my empty, reactless shell.

A sorrow so deep, when I try to climb the abyss, I slip and fall deeper in.

I deserve happiness, and the only one who can give it to me is myself. Taking the first steps seems so hard. I feel left behind and that I can never catch up. The truth is the cure won't come from one day to another, I will need to build it day by day, with explosive succes one day, and some backwards steps another day. But everyday I will be closer to the finish line, the edge of the abyss. Then I just need one last pull to roll over. The important part is daily progress.

The struggle is that nothing brings me joy, not learning new things nor perseverance to solve a complicated problem, so daily progress is rocky.

***

I know I didn't tell you about this, but what's happening right now is what breaks my heart. I cannot tell you, I feel too ashamed to admit it. But this is what kills me. There is no other solution than to forget her.

I shouldn't have these feelings. It's not fair to her. They are drowning.

I reach out to her because she is the only one I have contact with. When I reach out it's to satisfy my social needs. Because of this, she means the world to me. For her however, I am just an acquaintance. She will never reach out to me when she is sad.

I dread it every time a new message appears.

She isn't going to write me tonight, which means I'm not on her mind. She has time to write. I can conclude from this she isn't that interested in me. How much proof do I need to accept it?

I didn't plan this early today to get into contact, I'am still waiting for the results later this day or tomorrow. But after learning about a strong earthquake I couldn't keep myself from checking in on her. Everyone's fine, that's great.

I am still troubled on how to approach her. Could I keep in contact without harboring obsession? I go ballistic when I feel she isn't interested in me, in what I have to say or my opinion on something important.

Going no contact will not help me overcome these feelings, but remove them out of mind out of sight. This is not a solution, but a temporary band-aid on a deep wound.

The problem I have to solve is my obsession over her and my self-esteem. Is she really that amazing? Doesn't she have fatal flaws that will make me disinterested? Can I convince myself she is not the one?

***

Fuck that noise in my head, also fuck other people. They are never truly honest, they may be to you but they will play other people they don't like to gain something. This is a very ugly trait. I should play this game too, one can go very far this way. With this in mind, she is not the right person for me, she doesn't appreciate me, I'll take what I can get from her, I'll play her and at the same time look for someone who appreciated me and I can truly be comfortable with. If I am not your first thought, you won't be mine either. Someone someday will be and everything will be made right that day. Until that day I will show her the best version of me, with all the traits that are important to me. I will not play hard to get but I will let her do the approaching from now on. If she values me she will look for my validation. If she doesn't, I'm better off, she will still owe me anyway.

I tried to not become moody, paranoid, and delusional again, but as expected my thoughts and feelings are changing as I write from hopelessness, envy to anger and toxicity. But by no means am I unpleasant to speak with, I am very chill albeit not much forthcoming.

No compulsion, no anxiety, no neediness, no more.

***

Food is cooking, so I've got a little bit of time, and before I change my mind again I want to tell you, fuck you. You said I should never apologize for my bad mood but that doesn't equal to you reaching out. All these times when we wrote you never once asked me how I am holding up. It was always about you. You you you. We could spend so much time and energy about your life but when it came to mine you were so apathetic. No "why do you feel this way", "why did you make that decision" or "what was on your mind".

You are so silent and I know it's my fault. But you never tell me when something's wrong. You just ignore it and it goes away for you. Then you go to your next victim bleeding them dry. Always trying to reach higher and higher, seeking for a purpose that will fulfill your life, all the while losing your human decency. Friends don't treat firends that way. But I will never be able to tell you that.

We wrote everyday but I always felt so lonely.

Eureka! It's about control, I want control over my life, and also over our relationship, but never over her. I want her to reach her dreams by my side.

***

Oh I can feel the tension, it feels like something is broken that can't be repaired. This is the first time she complained to the group conversation about her tiring work and not to me in privat. It feels like something pierced my heart. I destroyed something beautiful, her trust in me. It will never be like before. I think I lost her. My hear can't take no more failure. Fuck. I didn't want this. I made a mistake.

There we are again. Mood changed like clockwork. I forget all the things I said before and only focus on getting her attention. Am I immature? indecisive? Do I have low self-esteem ? (yes). Why do I care so much about her opinion and closeness with her? She plays me like a fiddle and I don't know what to do about this.

For what it's worth, I apologized. Atleast I can end today on a good note. Man do I hate myself. Nohing's easy. I can still incite a conversation with her. We good. Forget what I wrote 2 paragraphs above.

I decided to quit cold turkey for a couple of days until some important results are out. These will decide if I keep contact or not. It was kind of abrupt, I'm not sure how she will take it. She may be hurt and decide to move on too, she may not resent me for it at all, she is very understanding after all. Or she may not care at all.

I'm still not sure how much I mean to her. We did chat alot, had some close conversations and she felt very comfortable with me, but how many people are there she talks like this too? Meaning our relationship is not that unique and she won't feel a difference if I'm gone.

If the last thing is true then so much effort was in vain, it wasn't made to last, atleast for me. In around 2 days I will make a decision, and it's going to be difficult. If it's good news for me, will she want me back? Will our friendship continue as if I didn't just vanish? I'm afraid I hurt her even if she may deny it.

My mental state wasn't too bad today, I was just idling without much joy. Atleast I didn't feel the need to cry and contemplate some more serious things. Nevertheless, breaking off contact will hurt me more than her.

I know she is there, I know he is there, I know they will meet, they will talk. That makes me very angry, anxious, worried and jealous, especially that she enjoys spending time with him. Who knows what else they plan together? How much time they spend together outside school? Her enjoying his presence is what hurts me the most. But it isn't so unusual, she knows so many people, all with different backgrounds. It's mind-boggling how many people really know her, as a friend or acquaintance. And he is just one of them, I guess. In the end I'm just really jealous of anyone and everyone who spends time with her because I want it to be me.

She told me that she doesn't view anyone of us more than a friend, but can't those feelings change? for him? I'm trying to change them but she won't budge. Is he able to do it? That would completely shatter my self-esteem. Why would he be enough but not I?

4 days ago she had her birthday. She told me no one wished her so well and probably never will. Next day she uploaded my cover (of the birthday card I made) and thanked everyone for their wishes. The next two days were quiet. She was in the city and as she told me there she has more fun activities than at her parents (where she also works). In general she has been less sharing, of her work or her whereabouts and doings.

Yesterday night we had a good conversation and I was so happy. She shared without me asking a picture of her and a lady we talked about. I am happy she is still comfortable with me. She told me about her hearing insecurities. This was the first time she mentioned the word "insecurities", days after I said it a couple days ago on another subject.

I want her to share with me intimate details. It makes me feel wanted and needed. I feel bad for not having much interesting stuff to share with her.

I feel sometimes I can be exhausting and silly and that turns her off. But that is just me and partly enjoy this of me. I send things to her or the group conversations that I think they roll their eyes over, like I'm immature. She also thinks I'm not very mature. This may be true at times but I am serious when the situation calls for it.

I know alot of these things I do can be traced to my family, I see alot of parallels of how I act to others and my family to me.

Now I'm very sad that she won't tell me how today went without asking. She went to sort some things out I asked her about yesterday. If she doesn't share it on her own, what does it mean? That she doesn't care enough to tell me? We are friends. We talked about it. It has consequences on other things we talk about. If anything important arose from it, would she tell me on her own accord? This will show how she feels about our relationship. If nothing yet important came to be, she may not think it's necessary to share. How will I know what's happening?

Her silence speaks volumes. I don't know if she even realizes it. I may in the end just be a friend and never more, who she can reach out when she needs something. Like a superficial friend, another tool in her shed she can use.

Sometimes she can be very silent without letting me know what's going on but rationally speaking that's okay. She lives her very eventful life with so many people and responsibilities, and for her I'm just a very, very tiny part of it. If I just go silent, vanish, everything would be the same for her. I feel like I'm not that important, and never will be.

Friends will drift away, I would rather be with her forever. It's the first time I feel so close with someone and the rejection, the lack of reciprocation hurts the most.

After 11 hours, the first thing she asks me is if I can do something for her, for her social media project. She didn't even tell me she finally created it, she just wants to use me. No update on todays matter, as expected. I know that I act as a doormat sometimes, but that's simply who I am, whether it is for her or anyone else. If someones asks, I help without second thoughts.

It is so tiring not being seen as a good friend that she cares about. I'm never her first thought in any interpersonal matter. I should really and seriously reconsider how much effort I put into our friendship because I feel it's very onesided and in the end she will move on with no regrets.

I won't say anything about how I feel, I will just stop contacting her. She wont care and stop too. But she will always think we are on good terms. When I need something from her she will probably do it, that's my only use for her from now on. I'll find someone who appreciates and respects me for who I am.

I know my actions are erratic again but this time I don't think I'm wrong. Atleast I think so. Even if she still only sees me as a friend she is doing a piss-poor job. I must admit she is more understanding and accepting than any other person I've met, but I believe this only because I'm only superficially in her life. She does not want to commit to a closer relationship, but she also doesn't want me absolutely gone, as I may be useful sometimes. But never once did she ask how I was doing. When I talk about my life she seems so disinterested.

I think I made peace with the fact that she will never be a romantic partner, but right now what really makes me miserable is that she isn't a good friend at all.

Before I knew her she was never important. Now that I do, I fear that we drift away. If I was with her so many of my problems would be solved, she seems like the perfect match. But if she continues to be the way she is now I would be miserable. Further proof that I should move on and forget her.